overall : bad

ugh, i thot tht with th revival of terms with hamzah, i'd not be so emo anymore bt its staying >_____>;;


ill make th journal as short as i can [which is possibly an impossible task for me], cz it's 1AM n i rele wanna sleep. its abt yesterday btw.


kaifa: mr. bilal phillips speech like wt umar mentioned. i listened t th smoking parts, n th some history parts. bt other than tht, i wznt payin attention. i have no idea wt i wz doin - oh yeah, readin th sunnah booklet + drawing th draft for umar's pic. :b i wz sittin inbetween carisa n nisa, we wer at th top of th auditorium 8D after several droning hours, me, dk, md, carisa, ichay n icha wnted t go t th toilet *we wer DESPERATE* bt at th floor we wer in [1 or somethin], it wznt ther so we went t th ground floor. bt then it wznt ther either XD we climbed up th escalator bt th door only lead t th elevator! so then we went t th 2nd floor, bt ther wz nothin ther so we went back down. bt wnted t go back up or somethin - only t find th elevator stuck XD it wudnt close or open. imagine if we wer in it! id be freaked out. im scared of elevators u know? ;D finally we found th toilet in th ground floor in th woman's section. we wer saved yeah ~ i calld tht th toilet chronicles. *hero music* ive had several others bfore, in th kbri n at school i think. oh yes, i failed t find n meet th twins t wish them a happy bday DD: oh well.


home: th miserable part! it wz like 1pm or somethin n i had my laptop on my bed so i can listen t music while i draw umar's pic at my study table. *oh yes i just realised i havent had any memorable dreams since a while DD: bt then i rememberd abt our little ice skatin plan, which backfired cz umar wudnt ask hamzah for me *u made me so angry ther man* n fajar wudnt help me ask umar either. i forgot y [th chat log can explain] bt then afterwards me n fajar had a fight, with my huge meaningful rants n his calm ignorant replies >___>;; God, he made me so angry n sad, bt heh heh guess wt i ddnt cough up any tears. he n umar made me so effed up n i told like carisa n cania n afdal some parts of it [th fajar log shall be kept secret]. i wz like angry/depressed for 2hrs. i cooled down by lukin for SLR cameras for my bday present. i also started umar's pic, which i dd so reluctantly cz of wt happened earlier, bt i just wnted t be nice n prhaps a drawin cud make him happy for he receives somethin in his bday =\ . i rushed it so bad whilst listenin t music n 10 minutes bfore maghrib hijrah-ed t th twins' house. i wz still sad bcuz of th fajar incident, bt when i rang th bell hamzah opened th door, just th person i wnted t c~ th conversation goes somethin like 'hamzah, happy bday!' n he went 'thanks' or somethin idk, then i shoved his pic at him n asked wher umar wz, hamzah lukd inside his house n sed 'he's.. sumwher' or somethin along those lines, then i sed 'oh ok wtever give this t him ok n tell him i sed happy bday' *shoves umar's pic at hamzah* 'byee!' 'bye' n he closed th door. :b mission accomplished 8D sorta. well enjoy ur pic umar. i transferred my laptop back t th dining room n wz abt t get ready for kempo when suddenly th adzhan boomed n i saw fajar openin up a chat with me t say he wz sorry n stuff. oh, i dcided not t be so soft on him anymore so i asked him questions first n well.. yeah. bt at least tht shows he still finds me his friend.. or somethin .__.


drive: i went in th sudarsana mobile n he n i ddnt say a word until dhea came in >__> or dd he ask me abt somethin i wz takin out of my bag? ahh wtever. she wz in th middle. we talkd abt jungle zone n arranged t go tmorrow [aka tday], altho we needed t invite th others n stuff. he seemed so cheerful rite ther n then, so different when he's online. thruout th rest of th journey they kept talkin abt indonesia n stuff n evrytime they do tht i get upset .. cz of a private reason; n so i just stayed quiet n only talkd whenever - whenever.


kempo: it wz kinda happy, bt overall upsetting n regretful .x.;; we wer warming up n fajar stud next t me, n while we wer doin so he kept sayin somethin bt i had no idea who to, maybe t himself, or t iwan who wz bside him, or myself even. bt i ddnt hear any word he sed - except somethin like 'i thot u wer happy'. i wnted t answer bt i ddnt. he also attempted t say somethin tht wud make me laugh bt i ddnt understand him n just choked out a small grin. i dunno y i wz like tht at first, bt then later on in th nite i realised its cuz i wz still kinda heart broken by his words tht his rele friendly actions rite in those 2hrs wer too fast n too much for me t handle. i ddnt recover yet, t put it simply. i believe i kept puttin a blank face, n like wt i remember hamzah saying, when im not smiling or frowning, it luks like im frowning. i felt fajar luk at me several times. after warmup th sensei [ther wz only 1, so he hadta handle us 3 kyus himself] dealt with th small kids so us girls sat tgether n talkd abt stuff. me n carisa wer laughin so hard abt this girl's name in my class XDDXD i dunno whether t say astaghfirullah or not, so let's just say it: astaghfirullah. bt i wz so dyin of laughter, thanks mater, thanks mater. just th rite medicine :b after a while it wz time t practise our demos again x.x our daii2s wer fine bt then th sensei sed we shud stop at tenchikeng - n he then sed he wnts t change our kote nuki to gyaku kote! o___o;; *glek* thts th one wher u get t banting2. i mean, i sed i wnted t banting fajar bt i ddnt kno it wud come true.. n turns out, gyaku kote is so hard for me. fajar kept teachin me [he wz so gud at it .__.] bt i kept failin n i felt bad cz i wz th one thts meant t banting him bt i cudnt even twist his wrist rite. i kept grabbing his arm insted of his wrist + palm, n it hurted him in th way its not supposed to. i kept tryin n tryin, basically just with him, n sometimes from dhe3 n th sensei. once when he dd it t me, a billion times infact, he hurted my wrist rele bad, so when i sed 'fajar tht hurts!' n stuff, n he replied 'so wt', i glared at him n sed 'i wont be able t draw anymore' n in reflex simply walkd off n he wz sayin 'im sorry' bt then he went t carisa t .. fool around? idk. she n i wz still laughin abt th name. sooner or later, th sensei wnted us t form a circle so we can all watch each other, n when it wz me n fajar's turn i messed up evrything. i cudnt do it at all T____T i also felt bad cz fajar tried t teach me n he wz actually patient with it, carefully showin me wher t put my fingers n all bt i fell thru. when he wz showin me by tryin t banting me, his fingernails wer diggin in my hand n i snapped 'cut ur nails' n he apologised ther too. i dunno how he can be so nice n caring when just a few hours ago he wz sayin things tht wud end a bond in a cinch. i sat down in th circle next t him n carisa in complete failure; when th sensei calld hariz over n he gave a very gud demonstration of th technique. us girls clapped bt th boys arya iwan n fajar ddnt, i sed ' pd jealous niih' n dhea sed so too i guess, fajar answered 'kyk kmu bsa aj' n i got offended. i think he tried a lot of times after tht t make conversation bt i ddnt answer much - so then i sat quietly hugging my knees n when th circle wz over, th sensei dealt with somethin n i wz just .. sittin doin nothin rele except thinkin. later on it wz time for a final practise of th demo, n i wz determined n actually more remorse + upset than bfore. soon it wz time for th gyaku kote, n ppl forgot tht they hadta do it after someone's command; only me dhe3 fajar n cania got it rite. th sensei wntd us t repeat it, i tuk a deep breath in my head as i prformed th gyaku kote, not lukin at fajar's eyes at all like wt i usually do when we're in normal status, n u know wt? i dd it rite, with no obvious mistakes. i think i hurted him when i twisted his arm n kickd him, bt i wz rele .. i dunno, wt wz i? sad? depressed? upset? regretful? i had no idea. bt i rele ddnt recover from th heartbreak, so i just.. left him after i finished. th sensei then hadta deal with th senpais, so we just sat down n watched them, th boys n dhe3 n frh wer playin with alif. later on th others joined th circle n we talkd abt perverted stuff lol. it wz then time t break up, n in th car i dd not sit next t fajar, bt on th opposite side wher i cud lean on th window, luk outside n just ignore th conversations goin round in ther, except when they asked me questions or talkd abt jungle zone n such.


in th last gyaku kote of th nite, when i wz in th process of swingin fajar's wrist around so tht he'll fall, n he landed on his front n i wz gettin ready t push his shoulder, he sed 'you can do it' as support - n tht wz th last thing he sed t me tht nite. maybe.